TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE

When I set boundaries, I feel nurtured.

Not too long ago, I realized that I was sad, depressed, confused, stressed and crazy because I lacked boundaries. Whatever anybody offered me, I took. From boyfriend to best friend, I used to allow people to keep the wheels of my life turning in several different directions. It was killing me, and I felt un-nurtured.

I am learning not to negotiate my boundaries.

No one has the right to walk into my life and decide how / who I am going to be for them. A good friend said to me today, "Ramona, you have to own yourself, girl."

I am nurtured when I work to be in full possession of myself.

My life. My terms.

Grace.

~Ramona

PUPPY LOVE?

A couple of weeks ago, I got a four-month old American Pit Bull Terrier. She is black (with that infamous white stripe down her chest), and her name is Hazel Veronica.

I wish I could say that I thought long and hard about getting a puppy, and if sporadically considering pet ownership for a few years counts as serious thought, then I win the prize for careful contemplation. I met Hazel's breeder at a brunch (hosted by a friend), and she showed me the pictures of the litter. She showed me Hazel, and I fell in love, once and for all, with the idea of having a puppy. So, after a week of reading breed-specific books, puppy books, training books and dog psychology books, I made an eight-hour trek to North Carolina to pick up my new puppy.

After careful consideration (yes, more consideration than I gave to actually owning a puppy), I opted to crate train Hazel. Crate training is usually a good idea because it takes advantage of a dog's natural desire to den. Hazel hates the crate; but since I am at work during the day, the best thing for the both of us is for Hazel to stay in the crate. I take her out of the crate as soon as I get home, and she is with me until bedtime. Crate training has made house-training relatively easy. Usually Hazel "eliminates" only in her space in the front yard or during one of our three daily walks. She has had a few accidents, but she usually goes to her "pee-pee spot."

Like many puppies, Hazel suffers from separation anxiety, and when I am at home, she is rarely more than a few feet away from me. Hazel is unusually timid, but she is as willful as she is shy, which is not always a winning combination. Recently, because she still hates the crate, Hazel has started to refuse to go up the stairs, come in the house and/or get out of the car. When I stand at the top of the stairs, and call for her (which is our usual routine), she has taken to having a tantrum of sorts. She starts to run around (sometimes barking) and refuses to come near the stairs. I have had to pick her up and carry her upstairs several times. My actions seem to have reinforced her stubborn behavior.

But, part of this post is about me. I have lost patience with Hazel three times. Once, I yelled at her, and I picked her up rather sternly. On another occasion, she wiggled out of my arms and hit the ground rather hard, and I did not immediately pick her up and console her. Yesterday, I yelled at her again because she would not stop chewing on the carpet after I moved her from the spot three times.

I am not usually a "yeller," so I am surprised by my behavior. I have never been aggressive or an angry person, and I am quite disturbed that I find myself expressing both emotions often. I don't want my puppy or any other living creature to be afraid of me or to be the recipient of my wrath. Perhaps some of the wounds of my childhood have not healed--I find myself searching my memory for times when I may have been treated badly by a bigger / stronger / older person. Where did I learn this abusive behavior?

This relationship can't be healthy for me or my puppy. I am afraid my short fuse has broken the bond of trust that should exist between a dog and its owner. My unpredictable behavior has made her afraid. I am very saddened by this, and I am seriously considering taking her back to the breeder and going to therapy for anger management.

How do I learn love and patience? What can I do to regain her trust and affection?

Thanks.

~Ramona

MISPLACED AFFECTION?

Today I spent my lunch hour with women who talked incessantly about reality TV–Kimora Lee Simmons, John and Katie’s Eight (huh?), Super Sweet 16, and the list goes on. At first I thought I was bothered by the conversation because I don’t watch much TV and therefore could not participate (that habit of mine often places me out of the pop-culture loop), but I realized that my boredom, irritation and sadness comes from a much deeper place: WE DON’T LOVE OUR OWN LIVES…

I really am deeply troubled by our collective need to escape from our own reality by watching (well-edited) snapshots of other people’s lives. Many thanks to all of you who create and maintain blogs that make myriad attempts to redirect our focus to something that has real meaning and value–our SELVES!


Infinite Blessings.

~Ramona

FOR ALL OF US

Wild Geese (Mary Oliver)

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

(Many thanks to Mary Oliver...)

WEB SITE OF THE WEEK

I am always looking for new ways to explore the concepts of authenticity and self-discovery. Part of the exploration process, for me, is to always connect with people, places and things that lend themselves as conduits for this process.

Carrie and Danielle's book, Style Statement, is one of my must-haves for the summer. The women capture the essence of what it means to define ourselves on our own terms. I love the daily Q&A on their beautiful Web site, and their blog is intentional and well-written. Please, check it out.

Blessings.

-Ramona

M.I.A. BLOGGERS

I will have to admit that I get kind of pissed when my favorite bloggers don't update their blogs. I suffer from unreasonable disappointment when I visit (insert name)'s Web site, and his/her last post was something like six weeks ago. I always vow to take him/ her (Rebecca Walker--lol) off of my "Favorites" list, but I never do. I love knowing where people are and what they are doing and thinking, even if they only manage to make their thoughts public every few months. I wonder if at some point during the day we are thinking some of the same things; I don't seem to be able to let go of the imagined connection that is facilitated by this thing called a "blog."

The funny thing is that I can't imagine anyone feeling the same way about me. My last blog post was in May, and I have not felt any pressure to blog since. Although I have had lots of thoughts (some rather good ones, I might add) since my last post, I have not yet cultivated the kind of hubris that has to exist in order to believe that people actually care about what I think. Perhaps I need to start writing only for me... I could forget, for a moment, the readers that may (or may not) exist, and just write.

Anyway, I guess when I think about how I feel when "my people" have been M.I.A. for a minute, I think, maybe--just maybe--somebody might be waiting for a post from me.

Peace.

-Ramona

FINALLY, A PLACE TO CALL HOME

Fewer than two months after my 30th birthday, I bought my first house!!

I am now the proud owner of a tini-tiny, two-bedroom "townhouse". It is more like a two-level condo, but the Home Owner's Association considers it a townhouse, so HOORAY for no condo fees!!

Circa 2007, I started to feel the effects of having no home, no roots, no family; and after a decade (my twenties) of posing as a working-class vagabond, I got my life together enough to purchase a little piece of the planet.

This means something.

• It means that I don't have to fight with the rental office because my rent just increased by another seventy-five dollars a month.


• It means that I cannot call the rental office when my toilet refuses to flush, so I have to keep a plunger and the Yellow Pages on standby.


• It means that I can paint my walls any color I want!!!


• It means I won't owe 2008 taxes! YAAY!!!
• It means I have a home.
  
  I suspect owning a home will bring into my life a much-needed sense of stability. But, there is something bigger here that I can't quite put my fingers on. Somehow my life has changed--even though I feel the same. Perhaps I will be enlightened when I make my first mortgage payment in July or when I actually paint and get some furniture.
  
  Feel free to post comments about what owning a home means.
  
  -rzl